that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
