gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Found the puke drawer
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
