I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
