Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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