Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
