You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
