who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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