i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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