i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
