And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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