i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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