Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
