there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
