Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
