My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
