I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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