2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I could fuck to npr.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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