I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
