is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
