Cold hands, warm shart.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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