i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
