peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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