using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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