I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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