Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
