I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
