And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
