ya dads aren't the best wingmen
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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