I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
