yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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