I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
