I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish I only lived at night.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
