NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
