i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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