i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
