I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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