you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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