Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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