if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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