can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
