I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
