dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
