Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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