Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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