you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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