Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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