yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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