My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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