the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Randomize
