Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
